Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Most fashion shows these days…
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.