Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy