robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it