Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

edward fingerhands

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.