*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
You Might Also Like
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.