*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
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To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”