*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
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My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.