*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
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still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I identify as an antique shop.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.