Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.