Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

i’m gonna allow it

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Some people were born into their job.

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.