Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.