Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
absolutely not
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Always leave the cult better than you found it.