[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.