[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I forgot how to panic. Help
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.