Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Welcome to the stomach

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Human are so complicated