Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

This kid is going places

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

new shirt idea

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word