Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

👍

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

make up your mind

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.