Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

and now we wait

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

i think both sides are to blame here

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.