eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
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I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
🐕🍷
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.