[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
🤣🤣💀
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.