[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.