[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
good morning
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.