[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Oh boy, $150,000!
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.