Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.