Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
is nasa ok
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready