Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
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Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Monica just destroyed the internet
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?