Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them