Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
There are usually two types of merchants.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin