Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
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Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.