Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

greetings!

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

I laughed at this way too hard.

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

😬

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?