eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
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The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
thinking about a very short hotdog
