eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
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ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.