[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
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“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.