[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
You Might Also Like
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
figuring out my emotional availability:
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.