Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.