Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

this is uni

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

Phones down.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir