*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
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I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
oppen heimer style lol
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Unexpected Judgment
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.