Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…