Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
You Might Also Like
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
subtitles are so good nowadays
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
this is 10/10 content no notes
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
my favorite genre of twitter
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
live long and prosper!
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I gave up going to work for lent.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin