Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
