eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
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Waiting for the Charmin
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
my lower back watching me try to live my life
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
quarantine day 3
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.