Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.