Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

If you’re testing me, we failed.

life finds a way

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally