@jctwritesstuff

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

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@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.

It was cute with Skittles.

Then she switched to dog food.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

@JaneBadall

Expecting an idiot to admit they’re wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.

@PAT_E_ROCK

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

@

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@EllaZee5

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

@Jessdaisy

Today, I threw away all the random chargers and cables that have been collecting; I’m sure that every electronic ever associated with one of them will now show up instantly, after not having been seen in years.