Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
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A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
At least try to make it slightly believable
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.