Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Google assistant rules

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

inside you are two wolves

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

True