Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no