Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
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[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.