*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
You Might Also Like
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I need to sieze this.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Proctologist = Analyst
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that