*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
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ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The cake is mightier than the sword.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next