Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.