Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
You Might Also Like
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
True.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do