Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.