[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
You Might Also Like
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
oppen heimer style lol
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.