[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again