Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

This probably isn’t good

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”