[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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Beauty and the Beast
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
asking santa clause for nudes
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s