[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad


I live where people think Chipotle rhymes with “bottle.” Don’t tell me your problems.


Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.


Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.


Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.


“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon


Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.


wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife *lets her in*


Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?