@chuuew

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

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@jenspyra

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

@ozzyunc

I live where people think Chipotle rhymes with “bottle.” Don’t tell me your problems.

@TravLeBlanc

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

@KattWillliams

Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.

@PresTightrhymes

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

@tastefactory

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

@CraigChamberlin

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

@iwearaonesie

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

@SladeWentworth

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?