Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

A sick whale is called an unwhale

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now