Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
You Might Also Like
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Cake safety first. Always.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Saw this yesterday lol
what’s really going on
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.