Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
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You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Breaking news:
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Probably my best painting.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
