Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Hitlers gonna hitl
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?