Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”