Eating for two.
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Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
finally found a reasonable question
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.