Eating for two.
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Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.