Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

Stick it to the man

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.