Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.