Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
The Weeknd is back
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
another case of gang violins
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.