Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

I have obtained a hat

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

Reporter: *ports again*

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.