@crunchenhanced

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

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@living_marble

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

@misfarber

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

@UncleDuke1969

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

@KristinGnr

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

@hippieswordfish

‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other

@oldfriend99

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

@funnyordie

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

@trustedshoe

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.