“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
A fax machine is just a surprise printer.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.