Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
asked my bf how work was today
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon