Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable