Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
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