Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
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I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
A dating app called Unhinged where you agree to meet up and fight each other.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on