Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I love it all
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?