Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
At least my masseuse has my back.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.