Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.