Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question